he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
