Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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