Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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