I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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