Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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