Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Too much gin, very little bucket
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
