Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
