so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Plan B is the new Plan A
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
