You don't have asthma, your pregnant
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
