I wish my penis had an off switch
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
