sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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