remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
