you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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