Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
