Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
