I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The best revenge is premature balding
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
