He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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