My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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