That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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