Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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