i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
