There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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