I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
