Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
