he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
