The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
