dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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