im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
