Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
