You're a womanizer and a bitch.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
