Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize