Duck Duck Cougar?
Michael Bay diarrhea
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
