If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
