life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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