Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
