I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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