just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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