Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I believe in your delicious
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
