I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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