I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
