Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
