My room smells like vodka and shame
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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