i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
