I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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