I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
