Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
