I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
false alarm, still single
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
