DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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