I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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