Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
