her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
