i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
