Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
