I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
