so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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