Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
