90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
