i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
