i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I can't put those talents on a resume
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
