Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
